This is going to sound like total bullshit, but honestly, it is NOT. I have been meaning to publish these 2 incidences but have not really had the time to sit down and type it out so today I’m going to try and bang this one out.

To start things off, this is a story — well two short stories, about people farting in the middle of company wide meetings. Yes, I said COMPANY WIDE.

Story 1: Slaps on the Veneer.

This starts off in our extremely large cafeteria. We use this for company meetings because it can fit the majority of the company comfortably… the rest of the non-majority fit uncomfortably, and for this meeting i just happen to have arrived late. Due to a lack of seating I was forced to sit on a cabinet.

Well a few minutes into the discussion a gentleman arrives late for the meeting as well and just like me, he could not find seating so he sits down on the cabinet next to me.

Talking rages on and after an hour or two I’m trying to force my attention on the presenter and away from the happy dreamland in my mind. Sitting on the cabinet is hurting my back too so I start to move around a little bit. Apparently the cabinet was hurting the back of the guy next to me as well and he started shifting forward and backwards to adjust his back. Enter the filth.

This guy leans ALL the way forward to deeply stretch his lower back and out of NO WHERE lets about 3-4 honkers free. I’m not talking a nonchalant “silent but deadly” or something low key… NO, we are talking about a “I stretched my back so far that I elongated my colon”. The sound was INTENSE and each one sounded like someone popping bubble wrap against the cold hard plastic Veneer (the big bubbles, not the small ones).

So, what happens? Well everyone in our vicinity looks back! They want to know who Mr Farty pants is and of course, I’m sitting RIGHT next to him. In the split second this all happened my thought process went something like “Farts -> Dude next to me -> People Looking -> Think it’s Me” immediately after the last thought I turned RED. That’s right, a sympathy blush for the blow hard next to me and of course, who are you going to think did it?

Story 2: The Promotion Breaker.

Well, this one should be fairly quick to tell because it’s a lot like the first story. We had another company wide meeting in our cafeteria and THIS time I was one of the first people to arrive. My friend and I walked in and for NO good reason, she went STRAIGHT to the T zone and sat down. I’m sure you all know the T zone. The T zone is where the smart kids in middle/high school used to sit; ROW 1, and the Center column of seats.

Who else sits Front and Center in a company wide meeting? All the big wigs of course! So as people filter in, my boss sits behind me, then my boss’s boss, then some other managers from different departments. Basically all the guys who impact my salary and essentially my quality of life were all sitting around me.

The CEO goes up and starts spewing his charisma in the form of jokes, finger points, smiles and remembering everyone’s first name. It’s a good day to have a company wide meeting…. UNTIL about 30 minutes into it something goes horribly wrong.

The guy next to me AGAIN rips out an enormous fart. You could tell that the man behind this eruption was confident, shameless and not very good at digesting complex carbohydrates. But most importantly he was expressionless, like a poker player holding a pair of twos bluffing his way through a round.

Again, I turned red for absolutely NO reason and again, who looks the most guilty RIGHT after an abrasive fart has been released? The RED GUY.